So a week from tonight,* I’ll be heading back to Thailand for a revision. Nothing serious, it’s mostly a cosmetic issue from things not healing quite as expected, which the clinic says is easily fixable. Fortunately, my surgeon offers a free revision, albeit you have to pay for the flight and hotel yourself.
I’m not entirely surprised, given 1) his technique, which is pretty unique, pushes the surgical limits harder, and 2) TMI warning: he intentionally leaves as much tissue as possible, in case there’s unexpected tissue death during the recovery. My problems are likely due to having excess tissue where it’s not needed.
Can’t say that I’m really excited about the trip. Previous surgeries had something to look forward to. A new body to match my new life. This, and a final round of hair that I’ll be doing later this fall, are more of a “let’s just get this shit over with” feeling.
Although hopefully they’ll both ease some of the body dysphoria I’ve been feeling. The irony of transitioning is that I ended up trading body dysphoria based in being assigned male at birth, to the sort of crippling “normal” body dysphoria that so many, many women feel. It doesn’t help that the trans women who get lots of media attention are almost always trans women who have lots of both passing privilege and pretty privilege.**
Whereas I invariably feel like Princess Fiona among the other Disney princesses, especially with cisgender women. I hate having candid photos taken with them, because I look like Hulk (not even She-Hulk) in comparison. It’s been bad enough, that I’m seriously considering quitting burlesque because comparing my body to other performers is just too painful. I don’t have curves in “right” places; other places I don’t have any curves at all. I’m big, but I’m not soft nor squishy. Consequently I don’t really feel like I fit in anywhere — I’m not straight-sized, nor does the body positivity movement really reflect any bodies that look like mine either. And needless to say, also having the most intimate part of myself look “close but not quite right” hasn’t helped.
I’ve been doing hard work with my therapist on this issue, but I’m not on the other side yet. But maybe getting things fixed will help jumpstart me getting out of the emotional Grand Canyon I’m in.
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*Hopefully. When I booked the flight, I thought it would be nice to do a layover in Hong Kong, which I’ve never been to before, and do a two day visit. But the ongoing pro-democracy protests against the government have shut down the airport twice in the last two weeks.
Unfortunately, since I’m flying Cathay Pacific, there’s no way to reroute, since Hong Kong is their only hub in Asia. Another one-day shutdown would be inconvenient, but manageable. A multi-day shutdown could become really problematic.
I’ve given a heads-up to the clinic, and figured out contingency travel plans, including potentially having to skip the visit and go directly on to Bangkok. All I can do now is monitor the news and see what happens on the days of my departures.
**Yes Laverne Cox can rightly insist that #TransIsBeautiful. But it sure helps that she looks like, well, Laverne Cox.