It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. Don’t get me wrong, it’s wonderful that my co-workers are so supportive that they’re the ones who were asking “why wait?” to transition. And I’m definitely ready myself. But the timing sucks.

Originally the plan was that I’d continue working as a man until Christmas, then take off regular vacation time between Christmas and New Year’s, followed by medical leave for my facial feminization surgery.

Old Me shuffles quietly off to a well-deserved retirement. Perhaps with some sort of moment to say goodbye, and express my gratitude for everything he did for me.

New Me, with a new face, gets some time to settle into living as a woman full-time before returning to work. Time to work much more on getting my voice, where I’d like it. Time to provide more of a chance to do a reset in co-workers’ minds before I unveil Me 2.0.

Instead of it’s amid the mad scramble of having to unexpected expedite changing my legal name and gender. Transition, even under the best of circumstances tends to take over your life, but this added an extra degree of difficulty. As that weren’t enough, it’s also amid the excruciating pain of a pinch nerve, and trying to get that treated ASAP. Which also is enough to take over you life.

There’s minor annoyances: My “regular” hair (wig) is off for a much-need redo, and while I have other hair I can wear tomorrow, it’s not the same hair I’ll be wearing the rest of the time. Plus it’s human hair — and she’s definitely not happy with all the rain. Women’s clothes are so much more seasonal than men’s, and I hadn’t had a chance to ready build up my work wardrobe, so I’m worried about having enough outfits for the next two weeks. Especially since, women are scrutinized far more on their appearance — and I’ll be under ever more scrutiny. How well do I “perform” being a woman? Does the poor dear not know how to dress herself, well, you know he’s really just a man in a dress anyway.

So I’m on the cusp of what should be a joyous moment, and I’m just…. spent. I’ve been running beyond empty for weeks now, and I just want to curl up with warm blanket and watch kitten videos. But of course, I can’t.

Tomorrow I have to go to the DMV. I have to book the flight for Christmas, once I know I’ll have a new driver’s license. I need to call a different airline and see I can book the ticket to Buenos Aires now — before rates start skyrocketing — even though my passport is going to be change. Next week, I need to do the pre-surgical exam, and then pending insurance company approval, they’ll do the epidural steroid injection, which hopefully will put an end to the pain. The week after that, I need to do the battery of pre-surgery blood tests, and I’ll finally be able to go the passport office in person to get my passport changed. All the while, while having to learn how to navigate the workplace as a woman, at a time when I’m probably the least centered I’ve been in ages.

I don’t what to start any blasphemous rumors, but yeah, life does have a sick sense of humor. It’s fucking ironic that I’m actually looking forward to post-surgery recovery because it means I’ll finally have a bit of downtime.

In the meantime, just like I’ve done the during the past year of transition, just keep pushing forward, forward. It’s all I can do.