Things That Make Me Go Hmmmmmm….

Got the results of the testosterone level test my doctor ordered when I came out the him (I’d asked him to do it, since I’m going to need a baseline test anyway when I see the hormones doc in April.)

Turns out my overall testosterone level is a bit below the normal male range, and my free testosterone level is just barely above the minimum normal level. He wants me to do a re-test in a couple weeks, since apparently the test can be prone to variation.

But yeah, one of those things that make me go hmmmmmm….It’s not like I needed a justification for why I’m trans.

But it does provide a possible context for some things in my life. E.g. why my facial features are relatively unmasculine. Or I’ve never felt that sort of anger/aggressiveness that’s common in a lot of men. ‘Course there’s lot of other possible reasons for that, such as the fact I was aware of gender norms early on and aware that I chafed at them, and was OK with acknowledging I had a wider range of emotions, even if I knew to be careful expressing them publicly. Likewise, while I’ve had a healthy libido, it’s never been that sort of overpowering force that some folks describe (at least not since my teens).

Again, I’ll never know if I had life-long low testosterone, or to what extent it’s an age-related drop. I have noticed some of the latter in recent years.

Looking forward, it does make me hopeful that going on hormones would be less likely to kill my libido — something that’s been a big concern for me — since the drop to natal female levels of testosterone would be much less than for most folks.

Also, during the current science experiment (due to end Thursday), I haven’t noticed overwhelming changes. Admittedly in part the dosages have intentionally been minimal. My libido has been down a bit, but I had low-grade cold for two weeks, and today is Nikki’s memorial, so both probably were a factor as well. But even if I was less interested in getting things started, once I did, things were fine — and on the positive side… a full-body orgasm… wow….

I do feel calmer, with the gender dysphoria static getting quieter. Best analogy is to the changes I felt when I went on antidepressants, the dysphoria is still there, but it’s not as in my face.

OTOH, it is hard to gauge to what extent other factors are having a calming effect. I’ve been busy looking at surgeons for facial feminization surgery (and researching the hell out of FFS), and found someone I’m pretty sure I’ll go with. Likewise, I’m planning to do a hair transplant later this month. I’ll start hormones for real in April. I also started working with a speech therapist a couple weeks ago. So even though some things (like FFS) might not happen for a year, it helps to know that I’ve got a plan. (Plus just getting over the research and decision-making hump is reducing stress.)

Granted there will be new round of research/decision-making about whether to actually transition to full-time, and coming up with a transition plan, if I do. But I don’t need to deal with that just yet.