And So It Goes, And So It Goes

Random late-night musings….

#1 – Since work is extremely slow between Christmas and New Year’s, I ended taking a couple days off. I had hoped to get out of town for a couple days, but the pieces never fell in place. Wasn’t necessarily a staycation either, my plans to do stuff locally ended up getting messed up as well. So I spend a bit of time just puttering around the house getting caught up with stuff, running errands, etc.

But I was able to be Marlena for a full week, probably the longest stretch I’ve had, and it wasn’t in non-“real life” setting, like BurlyCon, Southern Comfort or Diva Las Vegas. The very ordinariness about it — including the “oh gawd do I really have to get up earlier to do my face and hair” — was educational in a chop wood, carry water sort of way. And Sunday night it was hard knowing I’d need to go back to male-mode during the week. (Not helped by knowing it’s back to having stubble all week so I can do electrolysis.)

#2 – At fundraiser New Year’s Day, one of the queens came over and told me words to the effect that she really respected what I was doing — implicitly referring to me clearly moving toward living more and more as a woman. I didn’t get any trans-dar vibe from her, I think she was just being supportive. (It is a little awkward with the fundraising group, since I’m on the board and have to attend the monthly meeting in male mode, since there’s not time to change easily.)

A few weeks earlier after I did a burlesque show, the show’s producer (who’s know me for a couple years), remarked it’s been fascinating to him to watch how I’ve changed from [boyname] “to really embracing [stage name],” and specifically mentioned seeing photos from BurlyCon. Again, nothing explicit but clearly referencing my work-in-progress.

There’s been some other comments as well, that’s got me thinking about the degree to which my evolution is playing out public — at least in my outside-of-work circles. Admittedly in both the burly world and the drag world (outside of meetings for the fundraising group I belong to), people have rarely seen me in male mode — which has been very deliberate on my part. So I’ve already established a fairly strong femme persona, even people also know I’m male-bodied. In both worlds there’s already a number of people who just assume I live full-time as a woman. And for the rest… it seems like that if I do transition full-time a lot of folks reactions will be, “what took her so long.”

Though obviously work is the big exception, though I seem to be leaking gender pretty freely. Though as mentioned, when I came out to a co-worker last month, she had no idea. We’ll see what happens. I’m rapidly reaching the point where if I grow out my hair any further it’s clearly (at least to me) becoming obviously “long hair.”

#3 Happiness is new boobs. I’ve had my prior set for years now and they were loosing their shape, and had started tearing. So while I was able to repair them, it was clearly time for new ones, which arrived today.

They’re the Gold Seal Classic 1-1/2 which is a bit less convex in the back than my prior pair, so they fit better — no more pulling away from my body when I bend over. Plus they end up being effectively a quarter-cup size larger, which is filling out my bra properly without leaving a little dimple. They’ve also got a thicker backing, so you can attach them via tape. Haven’t tried it yet, and generally my bras fit well enough I don’t need it, but it’s nice to know it’s possibility when I may need it, such as wearing a swimsuit.

But mostly it’s just nice to feel them on my chest again — after week en femme, it was a bit odd at work for them to be absent. Even though they’re probably contributing to my neck and shoulder problems, they just feel right. Just like looking into the mirror when I’m wearing hip pads and seeing a curvy figure feels right. Yes, my body dysphoria does seem to be getting a bit worse…. If I do transition to full-time, I suspect it’s going to be because of having a body that’s too curvy to hide (i.e. getting implants).

And so it goes, and so it goes, and so it goes, and so it goes, but where it’s going, no one knows…